So in life we learn that things are not easy. There are a lot of things that will make us unhappy and even more that will bring great joy to our lives. The hardest thing to do is to be hurt by the things that bring great joy to your life. It’s hard. It hurts. We may think it’s not fair. But there are reasons for everything in life.
I am changing, but there has been a constant in my life that I simply cannot ignore. That constant makes me extremely happy. It is encouraging and nice to fall back on. I let something happen to that constant and I. I let things take their course and well, it’s turning out to hurt. A lot. And now that things are out in the open it’s harder than it was before. It’s hard to be happy knowing that everything will be just out of reach for me. Knowing that I can never be good enough. Knowing that I do not bring the same great joy it brings me, to it. I have to let go.
I’m clutching. You need to understand I have never had anything like this and I don’t want to let it go. But it’s killing me. It’s going to hurt either way. That is something I’m used to. Tearing myself apart to make things ok. I tear myself apart because I know that that constant will be much happier without me. They don’t need me so much. It will make things better for them. All of this tearing and sewing…it gets old after a while but I suppose that’s how you grow.
In the end…everything works out. Like a story or something. A fairytale. Things just fall together. In the end life just makes sense.
I am low tonight. Life is bringing realizations upon me that I was not ready for. That I never thought I’d have to deal with. People are not as real as they come across. So tonight. I am low. I don’t like it. Being happy is much better than this. That is why I am going to see Twilight. I will be happy after I see something familiar.